I was not doing great 5 months into the pandemic. it wasn't any one thing - I had moved across the country, started a new & significantly more demanding job, and hadn't released any new music in a year. I don't recall doing much around this time other than working on weekdays and getting high on weekends. I know I was on Twitter a lot, but you don't go to Twitter to make memories.

after I finally lost count (in a manner of speaking) of the anxiety attacks over trying to be a Musician on Twitter, I wrote down some mantras in my favorite FOSS image manipulation program, made an abstract backdrop in Blender, and set it as my phone wallpaper. it's rough; it's vent art. some of the mantras are painfully specific to my personal experience! I think it accurately summarizes my mental state in 2020.

I posted it to Twitter, too... did it "do well" there? dunno. couldn't tell you. I deleted my old tweets last year, so I can't go back and check. and, again, you don't go to Twitter to make memories.

image transcription under the cut

success is not

• play count
• follower count
• releasing an ep
• releasing an album
• gaming youtube's algorithms
• getting onto spotify playlists
• cultivating a cohesive brand image
• gaining followers after posting new music
• being praised by people with verified checkmarks
• meeting your idols before you've realized your idolization is unhealthy
• entertaining more strangers than your human brain is physically capable of caring about
• gaining the attention of that producer with 3 times as many followers as you who's friends with a bunch of your mutuals
• holding onto that one follower who's way too cool to be following you (oh god he still hasn't unfollowed)
• maintaining a pristine 3-month release cycle indefinitely
• being friends with everyone you meet
• avoiding conflict until you die
• djing at the minecraft festival
• djing at the furry convention
• joining a collective
• signing to a label
• engagement
• growth

success is not defined by anyone but me