Well, it's pride month

Posted 2023-06-01 #personal

At the time of writing, we're about 10 minutes into pride month, and I just published a long post about computers. Whoops! I want something gayer on the front page of my website, so here's a quick infodump about my particular brand of queerness.

My pronouns are listed as they/she on the Internet, with no real preference for either over the other. I added the "she" to my pronouns silently because I didn't want to turn an extremely sensitive aspect of my being into Content. Sometimes I think about going back to just they/them, but then I remember how much I've changed over my time as a "they", and also that my friends are cool and supportive. At work, I still use they/them for simplicity, and I haven't talked to family members about pronouns because I don't particularly care as long as they call me Ash.

Speaking of names, I changed mine in 2019! No person or institution I talk to on even a yearly basis still refers to me by my deadname (except by accident). This was one of the most important aspects of my own transition and I didn't feel any obligation to delay it on any other aspect of my identity. This change alone did a lot to make me feel like a more coherent person, hearing only one name for me from all the different compartments of my life.

I've been on laser facial hair removal on-and-off since 2019. I don't want to think about where I would be in life if I hadn't started when I did. Nothing has ever given me worse dysphoria, and I probably would've cried tears of joy if my gradually shifting appearance hadn't been as slow as molasses in winter.

I started hormones in mid-2021. I've been loyal to Team Sublingual since the start, mostly on the principle of "pick the option you'll actually do". I wasn't sure if it was the right choice, but as I approach my two-year HRTversary, I have to admit that I've never been happier with my body. I wouldn't want to enter my 30s any other way.

As for a succinct gender identity, I like sticking to pronouns because they're the only really necessary component in conversations and such. I've previously called myself "nonbinary", now leaning towards "transfeminine" or "genderqueer", but truthfully, I just call myself a weirdo in my head. Nobody gatekeeps that word!

Now that I've written that all out, I realize that I'm in a way better place than I usually give myself credit for! I'm not living my truest life yet, though. I still need to purge my wardrobe of the plausibly deniable "all gender" apparel I've been sticking to for so many years. I still need to put in the work to train my voice so that I can feel comfortable streaming & recording again. And while I'm pretty okay with my body as-is, I haven't yet written off all the various surgeries that people like me tend to pursue.

Transing one's gender is a neverending journey, but the scenery is nice and I'm having fun. That's reason enough for me to keep going.